Michaël Reinhold was 23 years old when he walked on the riverside of the milkiest and honiest city, named Amsterdam, as a four-legged snake crossed his way and asked him if he wanted to hang out.
“Hey Michaël, do you wanna hang out?” asked the snake.
“Not today serpent”, answered Michaël.
“I’m meeting God at two o’clock in the Garden of Eden and can’t afford to be too late again.”
“What a coincidence!” I’m also on my way to the Garden of Eden. Let’s go together and share an ice-cream or a hooker on our way there.”
“Sorry I’m on low carb and today’s not cheat day.”
Michaël Reinhold had used to hang out a lot with four-legged snakes before he decided to catch up with God and had therefore missed the bus several times, his mom’s birthday, a proper girlfriend or a school degree.
“Not even an hour?” insisted the snake
“Not today serpent”, answered Michaël.
“Then I shall celebrate my birthday with a random tourist, if my good, old friend Michaël can’t even afford to spend the time for a beer with a life-time friend.”
“You have a birthday?”
“Everyone has a birthday. Even if they only exist in your head.”
“How old?”
“6325.”
“A bit old for party and bullshit.”
“I will never grow as you do.”
“That’s for sure! And for sure a little drink never killed nobody.”
So the four-legged snake and Michaël walked up along the riverside to the nearest coffee shop and shared an unquestionably good time in the honiest and milkiest city in the world.
All of a sudden Michaël realized that it was almost 2 o’clock and if he wanted to be on time he needed a miracle or a time machine. Or a time machine as a miracle.
“Goddamit serpent!” shouted Michaël.
“What the hell’s wrong Michaël,” asked the snake.
“What the hell took us so long? I will never make it on time.”
“You can always make it on time.”
“How?”
“Use my time machine.”
“A time machine?”
“Yes. A time machine is a machine which you can use to go back or forward in time.”
“Very wise for 6323.”
“Dude, you motherfucking asked. A tree is a motherfucking tree. A bird is a motherfucking bird. And a time machine, goddammit, is a motherfucking time machine.”
“I got it serpent. But tell me, how do I know that it’s not just one of your tricks to fuck me over?”
“People change. Even if they only exist in your head.”
“How do I use the time machine?”
“Just take a bite of it and let it melt in your mouth.”
So the snake gave Michaël the time machine, of which he took a bite and swallowed.
As he woke up, he realized, that it was almost 2 o’clock and there was still time to walk to the Garden of Eden.
As he arrived there, God was not around but to his surprise, the four-legged snake was.
“Serpent what are you doing here?” asked Michaël.
“I told you I was on my way to the Garden of Eden as well,” answered the snake.
“Have you seen God?”
“No, he might have just left before. But why don’t you use the time machine to find out?”
So Michaël took another bite of the time machine and swallowed.
As he woke up, he realized that it was yesterday and there must be enough time to go to the Garden of Eden. As he arrived, God was not around but to his surprise, the four-legged snake was - along with another four-legged-snake he knew from the past.
“He just left, bro.” said the snake. Why don’t you use the time machine to catch up with him?”
So Michaël took another bite of the time machine and swallowed it.
As he woke up he realized that he was 17 and homeless. So he decided to go to the airport and book a flight to the Garden of Eden.
“Very sorry Sir. The flight has been cancelled due to snakes on a plane,” said the flight attendant named Eve at the counter.
“But you are very welcome to take a seat in the waiting room. Your school principal is already expecting you.”
So Michaël stepped into the waiting room of the airport.
As he entered there was no school principal but to his surprise, a big four-legged-snake birthday party.
“Serpent, what the hell is going on?”
“Sorry Michaël, the school principal just left. Along with your school degree, your home, your family and your soul. Bloody mary?”
So Michaël did not know what to do anymore and started crying. He cried so much and so loud that some of the snakes felt offended and left the party. He cried and he cried and he cried and as all the snakes had left the party and nobody seemed to be around anymore, the door opened and God walked in.
“Michaël, why are you crying?” asked God.
“Because the four-legged snake took away my soul and I will never make it to the Garden of Eden”, answered Michaël.
“How did he take your soul away, Michaël?”
“By giving me his time machine. “
“Why did you have to hang out with the four-legged snake, Michaël?”
“Because the serpent told me it was its birthday and we walked to a coffee shop.”
“Then just don’t go with the snake.”
“How to resist its invitation?”
“That’s simple. Just cut its leg off the next time it asks you to go to a bar, like I did back in the good, old days.”
“God, I know how to go back in time. But how to go forward?”
“I’m motherfucking God. I invented motherfucking time machine. I invented this motherfucking story. I invented this motherfucking world. I invented motherfucking motherfuckers.”
“So can you just send me forward in time, oh Lord?”
“So shall it be.”
Michaël Reinhold was 23 years old when he walked on the riverside of the milkiest and honiest city, named Amsterdam, as a four-legged snake crossed his way and asked him, if he wanted to hang out.
“Hey Michaël, do you wanna hang out?” asked the snake.
“Not today serpent.“
So Michaël cut the snake’s leg of and when it was almost 2 o’clock he went to the Garden of Eden, where God was waiting for him.
“What did you do with the legs, son?” asked God.
“A time machine, oh Lord”, responded Michaël.
The End
(if you don’t possess a time machine)
